I am so excited. I sold my first drawing today...on accident! I was sitting at Mannwell's today and I decided to draw this lady sitting by the brick wall. I was pretty sure she noticed me looking at her but she didn't say anything or start moving a lot or get flustered, which is what most people do when they notice some one is attempting to draw them. I drew for about ten minutes and then I was pretty satisfied. I wanted her name so I asked the owner of the cafe if she knew what the lady's name was. She said no but she picked up my drawing and said "Lets find out." She took the drawing over to the lady and discovered her name was Gail. I wrote her name down on the paper and then Gail asked me if I was an art student. I said no, and that I just liked to Draw. She asked me if I would like to get paid to draw and I said "Well yes-" She then asked me how much I wanted for the portrait of her. I started to stutter and she opened her wallet and produced a ten dollar bill. She said "How about ten dollars?" I said sure, okay! That was that, boom, I had just sold my first drawing!

Happiness!

As always,
fawning over Draco and Ginny,

~bigreader~

I'm ready now

Last time I posted was the day before the appt. It is now the day after the appt. I said I didn't know if I was ready to give up my dad. Well, I've figured it out. I am ready to give up my father. I no longer have any reason at all to call him Dad. From now on I will call him Jay.

Here's what happened. I told him all of the things that he'd done wrong and he interrupted me 3 times after being told repeatedly not to interrupt. I told him that I had gained a complex about being a slut. I told him that I thought it was very insensitive to laugh and say it might have been my ex-boyfriend that put the condom on my doorknob. He knew I had to have been crazy with panic when he said that to me. I told him that he told me as a child that it was wrong to cry. I said that he spouts shit about me to my brother and the family. I said that my biggest problem with him is that he said he didn't trust me with my brother. I then said, "Now you can talk"

This is what he said in generalized terms. He said he didn't trust me with my brother because I always have bite marks on my arms from me and Katen. I said to him "What bite marks? do you see any bite marks?" He said well not right now- I cut him off saying that it's been years since that. He also said that I spray deodorant at passing cars and that I go to Walmart and spray peoples butts. He kept calling me a little brat and was getting progressively louder in his verbal abuse. He said "This is gonna be short here" I said "You want to leave, go ahead and leave I don't want you here any more." He immediatley got up and walked towards the door. While he was walking I said by the way I'm legally disowning you.

After that he said "And ya know what? Some one put a condom on your doorknob because you're a slut." He got even louder and almost hit me. I kept yelling at him to go away. He finally did. I made sure that he didn't destroy my car when he left and I cried a lot afterwards.

After that day is today. Heres what happened today.

Today

A collection agency calls me and asks for Jay Conway. Now take into account that I just recently acquired this phone and the only way for the collection agency to have it is for Jay to leave it with them. I ask for her name and she tells me Yolanda. I asked her where she works and she was refusing to tell me and then she hung up without another word when I informed her that Jay was my biological father. A little while later she calls back and says she had technical difficulties with her phone and did not want me to think that she hung up on me. I explained to her that this was my private phone and I did not live with Jay nor was I talking to Jay. I explained to her that I was in the process of legally disowning Jay. She told me that she was a collection agency and all of that stuff.

After that I called Marti (Jay's wife) and told her that I apoligize for the way things are turning out and that I would still be coming over to see Dustin and such. I also told her that since apparently their money situation is going down the drain that I don't expect them to feed me and that I never did. (Jay said in the appt. that he hadn't been able to give Dustin milk for the past three days because they were short on money) I told her some of what Jay had said to me in the appt. to help her understand a little better what was going on because I'm sure that he hadn't told her the truth about what he said to me.

Later on today Jay called me from his cell phone. I hadn't recognized the number or else I wouldn't have picked up. He called to say that he hadn't give the collection agency my phone number and didn't know why they were calling for him anyway. He asked me to confirm that they said his name and I did. He also said that I was no longer allowed to call Dustin on the phone because he now 0% trusts me and he didn't know what I would say to my brother He said that I am allowed to come over however and see him. He told me that he didn't mean to be hurtful with the things he said I cut him off and said "Oh yeah and thats why you called me a slut Dad, really. Just SHUT UP!" I hung up on him immediately after saying shut up.

I will not come over to that house with out mace. I trust Jay about as far as I can throw him. I can't throw him via I don't trust him at all.


ON ANOTHER NOTE

I had a dream last night that Joe came back and asked for me back and I said yes and then I bashed Tiffany's head in with a pipe. There was blood every where. I also had a very very satisfying cigarette.

End of Journal Entry.

As always,
fawning over Draco and Ginny,

~bigreader~

April 27th

I feel like Life is taking a big ole shit on me right now.

Here is a list of what is going on right now

Police Investigation
Homework overload
Gas Prices
Depression
I feel like Dad has turned my brother against me
Dustin Hartmann is back in town
Relationship problems
Money problems (I'm pretty much starving)
Mom's 401k missing?
Dad's appt
Back pains
Panic and anxiety attacks
Job findings
Memory has worsened
Best friend is having major problems with her life too!
No cigarettes!

Right now I'm stressing over the appt. with my father. I don't think he's going to even try to attempt to be my father. I don't think he's going to admit he's wrong, and I do think he's going to try and turn it all around on me and make me feel like a horrible person, daughter, and sister.

Trouble is, I don't know if I am ready to give up my Dad. My logical part says if he doesn't want to be my father he doesn't have to but my heart just kind of sits there and pulses angrily. I don't know what to do.

Monday is going to be soo busy. I've got a chiropractor appt at 8:00AM. The appt. with my Dad at 9:30AM. The Nurse Practitioner appt. at 11:00AM. Class at 1:20PM. Hanging out with Katen after 4:00PM.

Katen is awesome but she won't be able to be there for me if the appt. with my father goes wrong. She'll be in school. I'm soo stressed out right now and I don't have any crutch's. I can't cut, I can't smoke, I just don't know what to do. Soo many people would be SO ANGRY at me if I cut myself but I really want to.

I'm not going to cut myself. I'm stronger than that.

Anyway. Gots to get back to work.

As always,
fawning over Draco and Ginny,

~bigreader~

Due to an investigation I have been asked that this be private until the case is over.

As always,
fawning over Draco and Ginny,

~bigreader~

Differences shouldn't be a crime. Hatred should. People have the right to be different; to be themselves. I can't stand it when stuff like this happens. People are people and deserve respect and to be treated just like everyone else regardless of race, sex, sexual preference, or any other such nonsense by which people judge others. This is why I have such a problem with the human race as a whole.

---------------------

I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag everyday

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.

I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

I am the woman who died when the EMTs stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.

I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didnt have to always deal with society hating me.

I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

I am a warrior for my country serving proud, but can't be my true self because gays aren't allowed in the military.

I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I'm a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.

I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to "teach me a lesson."


This is the boy, Matthew Shepard. On October 7, 1998 Aaron McKinney and Russell Henderson lead him to a remote area east of Laramie where they demonstrated unimaginable acts of hate. Matthew was tied to a split-rail fence where he was beaten and left to die in the cold of the night. Almost 18 hours later he was found by a cyclist who initially mistook him for a scarecrow. Matthew died on October 12 at 12:53 am at a hospital in Fort Collins, Colorado. KILLED BECAUSE HE WAS GAY!!!

---IF YOU BELIEVE THAT HOMOPHOBIA IS WRONG... REPOST THIS
AS "HOMOPHOBIA."

---IF YOU ARE IGNORANT... IGNORE

Intolerance is ignorance and there's too much of it in the world. We're all people any way you look at it. And in this day and age you would think we would have evolved enough to find ways of making the world better and not finding new prejudices and wars to fight.

As always,
fawning over Draco and Ginny,

~bigreader~